In the midst of protests and the uneasiness of the world today, a strange thing is happening to many people in the Black community right now. It seems like many of us are being bombarded with questions by our White and Non Black people of color(nbpoc) friends, peers, and associates. The questions range from “how are you doing” to “how can I be supporting you”. Some of these questions are even coming from people who have been rather silent on the issue as a whole, in my experience.
While the questions might stem from good intentions, I think it is causing some feelings to arise for some of us that are not as positive as one might think. Here is what these questions have been implying to me, and what they may also be implying to other Black people.
First, I would like to start by saying that I know that the people who are asking these questions mean well. However, I think it is important to recognize intent versus impact. Just because the intention was good, does not excuse talking about the impact it has had.
So to be frank, it is exhausting to be asked these questions. Think about it, if the Black person you are checking in on has 10 white or nbpoc friends in their life, then they are being asked 10 times if they are okay. That is ten times that they are expected to explain their hurt, frustration, anger, sadness, rage, etc. This is ten times that they may feel obligated to be a teacher with their pain as the curriculum. This obligation comes with the guilt of realizing that if we don’t say anything then we miss out on an opportunity to educate someone. ‘This is ten times that we have to tread lightly with our words and our hurt because of white fragility. We really don’t want our honesty to turn people away from the cause.1We don’t want our honesty to ruin friendships. This feels like another time we have to censor ourselves for everyone else’s comfort’.1 All of this while dealing with the trauma of being Black in America
On top of all of that, it feels like being asked these questions is an insult and implies that you might not be paying attention to what is happening and/or not applying what is happening to what we might be feeling in relation to it. It is asking to share in a vulnerable space with us, that we might not want to share with people who do not truly understand what the weight of this situation feels like. You may never understand what it is like to watch not just George Floyd but all the other Black people killed by police officers and other white supremasist and think, that could have been me. Or my dad, or my brother, or my child, or my mom, or whoever looks remotely like us. It is having the murder of your people, played on repeat just so people can see how crooked some of these cops are and how messed up America’s justice system is. It is never having the complete comfort of existing anywhere or doing anything because another Black person has died for much less. It is not having the privilege of being angry without having to explain yourself to your white or nbpoc peers. It is the constant push and pull of people trying to tell us how to live this Black life. It is so much more than just an officer pressing his knee with all of his body weight on George Floyds neck for 9 minutes, until all he could think to do was call for his mom. This was merely the straw that broke the camel’s back and now you are being forced to look at everything that we have been carrying. More important than you looking at it, we are reliving it.
That being said, I wanted this to be a helpful tool for how to move forward at least for my sake but I am sure many other Black people. So here are some questions you are probably wondering and need answers to:
1.OH NO! I have already asked them if they are okay or how I can support them OR a post told me it was okay to do it so I did, what should I do now?
If they have not responded, consider the things said above. Give them space to respond when they are ready. If they never respond, be okay with that. As blunt as this may sound, we do not owe you the spilling of our emotions even if you perceive us as close friends. We are probably exhausted. However this one is important, if they do respond be grateful and gracious. You might be the tenth person to have asked them so their grace might be really low at this point. If they tell you how you can support, believe them. If they are honest with you, put your possible fragility aside and consider THEM first. Sit in the tension if a negative response is given to you for asking. Try to understand and be empathetic. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT SUPPORT THE CAUSE. That is not the answer. I know it can be scary to speak up in fear of doing the wrong thing or saying something more harmful. The biggest part of allyship is not messing up, but trying again. You will not master this and we do not expect you to. We expect you to keep trying because we, as Black people, can not give up or throw in the towel. We know you meant well but knowing the impact is important.
2.I thought saying something was better than nothing?
Saying something is better than nothing! However, when there are a plethora of resources of how the movement can be supported and a plethora of Black people posting what this is like for them right now, asking these questions does not seem very intentional. I would not normally say to make assumptions about us, but make the assumption that this is a hard time for us. Assume that we might be frustrated, grieving, and full of justified rage. Move forward with that knowledge and consider the intentions of what you are saying or asking.
3.I just want to know if my friends are okay, How should I let them know I care and I am concerned for them?
There is a way to check on them without asking if they are okay. Also these are YOUR supposed friends, you should have some idea of how to check in on them that would be meaningful to them. Here is an example of one of my friends checking in on me that was super kind and probably the best example that I have:
“Hi sweet Taty 💛 I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the past couple of days and I have been praying for you daily. I know that words are really important to you so tonight I wrote out my prayer(which she sent to me). I can only imagine what you are experiencing rn and I want you to know there is really no need to respond to this. I simply hope that you are reminded that you are known and loved. Also please know that I am here to listen, chat, or anything else if it would be helpful at all. I am behind you and I love you dearly 💛”
There is intent and acknowledgement that I might not answer. There is acknowledgment that this might be a difficult time for me. There is intention in the way my friend reached out to me. She knows I am religious and decided to pray for me. She didn’t have to ask what I needed to be prayed for because she sees the temperature of the country. She offered a space to talk and acknowledged that I might not want to. She let me know that she supports me and is with me. On top of sending this message, she has been vocal on her social media platforms and constantly active for the real BLM movement. She did not just give me words, she has also given me action.
4.How do I support my friend during this time?
If you want to support your friend, then use your platform as a way to talk about these issues. There are people who will listen to you more than they will listen to us. Don’t stop reposting resources and ways to help. Have tough conversations. Defend us when we are not around. Hold the people in your life accountable. Educate yourselves and do not expect us to have all the answers or always be teaching you. There are a plethora of resources out there. Take classes about other ethnic groups than your own. Get involved on your campus or in your community. Do not give up when you feel you have messed up. This is how you can support us.
5.Why do I need to post online to show that I support?
You do not NEED to post on social media. You should WANT to post. We each have a platform with our social media and you could be using yours to get the message out and resources to people. It could be a chance to open up conversation with people that maybe we as black people do not have a relationship with. This is a huge aspect of having privilege and using it for good. There are also waves of distrust happening now more than before. Many of our friends are posting things against us and verbally not supporting. Many people are attacking this movement and showing little regard for our existence and the murder of George Floyd. Many who we thought were friends are making this more about themselves thus making it extremely difficult to know where everyone really stands and if they really care about us. You are being looked at as someone who might be part of the problem with your silence. Some of you seem to have no problem posting about a birthday, a mission trip, a beach day, or a drawing that you have done(along with a plethora of other things) but can not seem to post about this movement. So really you do not need to post on social media, but it would be nice to know that you are not ashamed of standing with us. That you are willing to be as close to uncomfortable as it is to be Black in America as your privilege will allow. It is nice to know that our Blackness is important to you, as a friend. That it doesn’t have to be me murdered by a cop for you to start posting and to care. However, if your decision to post isn’t genuine? Don’t do it. Be real and be honest about your support. If it isn’t real, you’re better off not doing it.
I hope this was helpful. If you have more questions or anything, please comment below and we can talk or I can direct you to someone who has the capacity to talk through these things if I don’t at the moment. I do want people to be better allies and to be informed.
With Exhaustion and Intention,
Tot
1. Chai Gaynair
