I read on twitter(I know who would have thought twitter would be so insightful) that when God wants you to let something go and you don’t, He will let it hurt until you do. Crazy right?
Anyway, have you ever watched someone fall out of love with you? Ever watched the passion and love leave their eyes right in front of you? If you haven’t, may you never. If you have, I’m sorry these next few lines may be relatable.
I am in the process of letting go the person I am madly in love with and I wish it was because God said so. He did say to let them go along time ago but I am not as obedient as others may believe. And if you are wondering why I didn’t let go sooner and just listen to God, I would argue that you have never been in love before with the person you thought you could spend the rest of your life with and God say no. Nonetheless, I am letting them go because they aren’t in love with me back.
Part of me is angry that they aren’t in love with me back. That they would just stop. Angry that they would just give up on me. That they could that quickly just let me go. However, anger tends to simplify things. For instance, I know that they didn’t “just stop” and that it didn’t happen “quickly”. I know that they didn’t “give up on me”. However, it doesn’t hurt any less. It doesn’t hurt any less knowing these truths because I still feel broken and angry.
But Albert Tate said it best, underneath anger is a deep deep sadness. A sadness that must be felt to heal so here I am am, feeling it. So to be honest, I feel extremely tired, sad, and like throwing in the towel. I wished so badly yesterday that I wouldn’t wake up and then got scared that it might happen. It’s not even that I want to die, I am just tired of feeling so damn much. I’m tired of loving so damn hard. I am tired of feeling like I can never catch a fucking break(excuse my French).
The worst part is that I don’t know how to stop being in love with them. How do you stop being in love with someone who is more than everything you could have ever imagined? Someone who loves you so damn well, makes you feel seen, heard, and like there was a purpose for all the valleys that were handed to you in life even if it was just to meet them. If someone has a manual or a handbook how, I’ll pay any price for it. Ya girl just needs some help.
It’s funny the way we isolate ourselves when we don’t want to be alone. That we lie to the people we love, telling them that we are okay but muffle our cries at night. We hide the bags under our eyes because we couldn’t sleep even after taking two Benadryls. We drive slow home to have time to cry and recoup ourselves. It’s funny the way we beg God to stop the pain as if we didn’t have some part in causing it. It’s funny how destructive we are to ourselves in a time like this. A time when we just need love and to be honest with ourselves and the people who care about us. Or is that just me? Lol okay.
Anyway, don’t worry, I am not giving up or anything. I have come too far now to throw in the towel and I truly do believe that I am on earth to make a difference. But damn, a girl gets tired sometimes of getting back up again. So this is me just sitting, taking a minute to collect my thoughts, and not going numb like I want to after being knocked down.
However, I guess the part of being knocked down that sucks is that I have been searching for God’s voice for the last couple of months and you guessed it, I haven’t heard anything. I haven’t felt anything. And before you start commenting that “God is always there” and “He would never forsake you”, I KNOW but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t FEEL it. How long do You beg God to show up before just accepting the fact that maybe He doesn’t want to talk to you? How long would you beg God to talk to you before getting fed up? I’m just curious because I know He is good and he cares and stuff but like why does He always seem to be missing when I need Him most?
Yet, One day we have to grow up and realize that we play a role in things that happen in our lives. We can only blame childhood trauma for so long before it just becomes who we are. I am not perfect and I realize that holding on to this person probably is related to God not talking to me. That I am not free of blame for them not being in love with me anymore. I do play a part in this but I am trying to be better everyday. I know I will be okay but right now, it doesn’t feel like it.
Anyway, if you made it this far. I appreciate you for reading this. Feel free to comment and share or don’t. I just appreciate you stopping by the table and pulling up a chair. It really means more than you know.
Oh and by the way, if anyone has God on speed dial could you tell Him that I miss Him and that I wish He would come back? Tell Him that I am really really tired and would love if He would just talk to me again? Okay thanks.
With Love & Intention,
Tot
