I truly believe that we are pieces of God in our own ways. Some people radiate God’s joy and some people are so empathetic that they cry at every romance movie they’ve seen(not shaming you here, just making a point). Anyway, I believe that I am merely a piece of God’s intentionality.
I am intentional with how I share my thoughts and I try to calculate every risk that I am about to take when I speak or act. I am intentional with how I care about people and the gifts that I give them. I meticulously think about every decision I make and the relationships I have, or at least I try to be.
I am a girl who prefers to take the streets. Not because I don’t like to go fast, I just have no interest in missing the little things. A girl who loves sunflowers and roses together but hates the idea that I captured something beautiful to watch it die. A girl who doesn’t like hot drinks because I always manage to burn my tongue and I’m tired of it(I hate it here).
I am a new anime lover(so you OG anime watchers don’t come for me). I absolutely love Hunter X Hunter and I am determined to make a shirt with Killua or Hisoka on it. One Punch Man is so damn funny and Kakegurui makes me want to gamble and play Russian Roulette.
I am a reckless lover. I don’t want training wheels or a helmet while I ride this bike. I don’t want a parachute as I fall. I am here for the ride and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
But sometimes, I love so hard that I forget about the people that love me. I don’t call as often and I visit less. I probably get too wrapped up in people that will never care about me the way that I care about them. I sacrifice too much for people and not enough for God(I’m sorry to the friends I haven’t been great friends to in the past, know that I am trying to be better and would love another chance).
I am compassionate. I stand with the oppressed. I fail a lot of the time but refuse to give up. I’m just trying to figure out what to do with this passion to fight injustice that I was born with.
I am silly, but only in the confines of couches and familiar faces where I laugh too loud and dance too much. Sometimes, I even like to turn Beyoncé1 songs into rock anthems or Paramore into an opera(Beyhive2 don’t kill me please).
I am a heart that carries a home, leaving the door unlocked to those brave enough to knock.
I am really really soft… on the inside. Like a teddy bear, I cry when reading books, smiling really big when I am excited, soft. The RBF3 is only a protection for my fragile interior. If you knew how easily I broke, there is a chance I wouldn’t last very long in this world.
I am someone who loves quality time and words of affirmation. I am a sucker for a good love letter and a movie night. However if we get real close, physical touch might be up there with the others instead of last. I love a good hand hold and laying all over my friends as if they are a body pillow.(and I secretly love when they do it to me too).
I am a poet, who is afraid to share my work especially on a stage. So I took a poetry class with a bunch of strangers that ended up being my friends4. The friends that you see and don’t talk to, just smile knowing that you share something sacred and valuable.
I am someone who lives in extremes. When I am sad, I am shattered. When I am happy, I am elated. When I am angry, I am livid. Rarely do I get involved in things I don’t care about with all of my heart or stay friends with people I am not passionate about caring for. Some people like to think I am indifferent to a lot of things. I like to think that I am really REALLY passionate about a few.
I am a believer, that God is real and alive. That trees are too perfectly orchestrated and that the human body is woven in perfection and if that isn’t belief enough that a higher power exists, I don’t know what is.
However, I don’t believe that God or Jesus only exists in Christianity like many others. I’ve run into God in a Buddhist temple, in tuktuks5, in words, in traveling from home to home, and in churches. I found God in the freedom and laziness of clouds while flying through them. I found them in the war cry wrinkles on my grandmother’s hands and in the imaginations of children. I truly believe that those who desire a connection with God will find one no matter what they find it through.
I am as complex as I am simple. Figuring me out will not be easy but once you do, you will realize that it has been simple all along. Or maybe I just like to think that.
I am absolutely in love with dressing up and wearing my favorite clothes. They make me feel so confident and like I am bound to have a good day. I am a whore for a good skirt and I feel bad for how covered up women had to be in the past. They never got to experience how amazing and flattering a skirt is! To hell with the patriarchy6 honestly.
But I am not as confident as I would like to be. Don’t get me wrong, I do think I am pretty and worth listening to. However, people tend to think I am more remarkable than I often feel. Sometimes people applaud after I talk(and I’m not trying to be prideful or boastful) and it honestly confuses me. Rarely do I ever feel like when I talk, it is profound enough to warrant claps or praise but people often do. Nonetheless, I’m working through this cognitive dissonance so give me grace.
I am Black and Queer, however some people seem to be more ashamed of some of these identities for me than I am for myself. I am newly middle class and a Ciswoman7. I am an American(not by luck, shoutout to slavery), I am physically able-bodied but mentally not. I like to think of myself as an environmentalist and someone who likes to eat plant-based8 on most days because of it. I know that doesn’t solve all of the problems in the world and that people are still inhumanely treated to farm for the stuff that is plant-based but I like to help in the best way I know how.
Lastly, I am human and flawed and beautiful. I am worthy and loved by many. I am resilient and capable of many things. I am not sure where life will take me but I have come too far to give up now. So I won’t.
With Love and Intention,
Tot
- The ABSOLUTE Queen of Queens(sorry Queen of England)
- The Queen’s army who might actually kill for Beyonce
- Resting Bitch Face
- Fun Fact, shortly after writing this I got an email from these lovely poets saying they wanted to connect again. Glad to know I was not the only one that found our class timeless.
- It is like a go-kart that people in Thailand ride sometimes to get around. Imagine like a taxi with less doors packed similar to 10 people heading to a party when only one person has a car.
- I just wanted another chance to talk about how much I hate patriarchy so here we are. To clarify though, I don’t hate men. I just hate that they get so much privilege for merely having a penis. *steps down from soapbox*
- The idea that my assigned sex and gender align.
- This is often confused with veganism(understandably). However it is eating only things that come from plants. So no oreos or red vines for me 😦
